Question: Why is my baby crying while breastfeeding

Answer: Object permanence

Contents

Breastfeeding can be challenging. And there are so many obstacles to overcome in the first few weeks and months. However, looking at the core of breastfeeding – it is a beautiful and special time with your precious bundle of joy.

Hopefully, you have reached a stage where it IS a wonderful time.

Past the age of two months, I felt I had breastfeeding nailed. It no longer hurt and everything seemed easy.

Plot twist. It all went wrong!

My baby started crying while breastfeeding and I had no idea why.

I was heartbroken and confused and you probably are too if the same thing is happening to you.

You are probably asking yourself - what on earth is going on?

There will be so many questions running around your head.

Does my baby not like my milk anymore?

Has the flavour of my milk changed?

Am I not producing enough milk?

Is there something wrong with my baby?

The most probable answer depends upon your baby’s age.

If your baby is between the age of 0 – 3 months the answer will be down to positioning when you are beginning breastfeeding. It could also be the flavour of your milk or milk flow.

Click here to read a detailed guide on breastfeeding.

If your baby is over the age of three months it is most probably a little thing called object permanence.

Now, I shouldn’t say little because this is HUGE. It changes absolutely everything!

At the age of three months and older, your baby will no longer fall asleep anywhere and everywhere.

Object permanence, the newly acquired skill, is often associated with the four month sleep regression but it technically is not a regression. This is a major brain development and it tells you that you’re doing all the right things. Your baby is developing and growing in exactly the right direction. All is well.

But it doesn’t mean that there won’t be obstacles!

In order for your sleep not to be sacrificed, there are a few things you need to do at this stage.

Object Permanence

The skill your baby develops after three months. They now know that something exists even if it still not with them. For example, if their teddy is not with them but it was when they went to sleep, they know they can wake up and cry for their teddy and they will get it back.

Before this age they had no concept of this. In fact, how cute is this?!

In the first few weeks your baby thinks they are the same entity as you. My heart!! I love this fact so much.

Object permanence is an amazing milestone. A huge brain development.

But it is also the reason for the four month sleep regression. It can cause a huge amount of sleep disruption and be an agonising thing for parents to work out.

If you go back to my story – my baby was crying when breastfeeding.

This is the reason! Object permanence. My baby did not want me to go. Here was the cycle in their head:

Breastfeed
Fall asleep on mama
Wake up without mama

Not good! Now you can see it from my baby’s perspective. Of course, she was crying and refusing to feed.

So, if you’re struggling with the same problem, what on earth can you do?

Is there ANY solution?

The good news is . . . there is and it’s strangely simple.

Basically, all you have to do is teach your baby the skill of falling asleep independently.

This means that when they wake up and immediately use their new skill of object permanence, they will have nothing to want back because nothing will have changed.

This is the key to excellent sleep.

Your new routine for your baby will look like this:

Get ready for bed with mama
Get fed and cuddled
Settle down in the cot and fall asleep
Wake up in the cot

Hey presto! Happy baby, happy mama.

It’s basically like sleep time is a conscious time for everyone. It was different before because your baby was a newborn and could fall asleep anywhere. Now, they’re older and their brain is developing, it’s time to get them involved in the sleep process.

Your baby should be aware of what’s happening. There’s no secret squirrel tiptoeing off or rocking them to sleep and then putting them down in their cot as soon as they’ve drifted off.

No, it’s a whole new process now which your baby should be fully aware of and in time, will sort of become in charge of because they’ll know the routine so well.

My 8 month baby would even take herself up to bed

She learnt how to climb the stairs. As soon as I said, ‘nap time!’ she was off up the stairs.

Life will be easy as soon as you have sorted out this one major sleep obstacle of object permanence.

SO, what’s the solution?

The solution is a powerful combination of these three things:

1. Sleep signs

2. Ideal sleep environment

3. Wind down routine

SLEEP SIGNS

- Fussy/clingy

- Staring into space

- Increased or decreased movements

- Red eyebrows or under the eyes

Once you spot two or more of these sleep signs get your baby up for their nap.

NOTE: Sleep signals can be challenging to see at first. Each baby is different. As the mom you are the very best to spot your baby’s sleep signs. Trust your instincts. The more practice you get, the easier it will become.

From three months old to at least 12 months you will be constantly observing your baby, looking for sleep signs. The process will become your life. And wow it will pay off! You are effectively learning how to find the ideal sleep window.

Sleep signals are the reason why some people can put their baby down for a nap and it work every SINGLE time.

They have become so good at observing the sleep signs that they find the ideal sleep window every time.

And you will too! If you need extra support on this, get a free taster of the Abundant Baby sleep course today and get one step closer to happy naps and 12 hours of sleep at night.

IDEAL SLEEP ENVIRONMENT

The ideal sleep environment is a room (it should be your bedroom for the first year of your baby’s life) which has been designed to encourage amazing sleep. By creating the perfect environment and taking the time to analyse the room, you will be setting yourself up for sleep success.

There is no point committing to a gentle sleep programme without creating the ideal sleep environment first.

It’s like running a marathon in tattered trainers or going snorkelling without your snorkel.

You HAVE to have an ideal sleep environment before you can expect a wind down routine and observing your baby’s sleep signals to actually work.

There’s no point constantly looking for sleep signs and putting all that effort into it, if when you take your baby up for a nap, there’s bright light and it’s too hot in their room.

The ideal sleep environment is dark, cool, silent and safe.

Dark – Pitch black. Use a black out blind. Click here to find the best one.

Cool – No warmer than 20 degrees Celsius.

Silent – If your house is not silent, this is not a problem. Simply use soothing music like Brian Eno Apollo. Don’t use white noise as the jury is still out on whether this affects your baby’s brainwaves or not.

And wow I do not like the vagueness of that! After a few months of using white noise, when I googled it and read that it may or may not affect my baby’s brainwaves I was like, that is ENOUGH for me.

Soothing music works a treat and if you haven’t heard Brian Eno, you will be amazed at just how peaceful it is.

Safe – Check the government guidelines and make sure every last bit of the room meets these safety requirements. You don’t want anything hanging over your baby’s cot that they could pull down on themselves or anything in their cot (just the baby sleeping bag they’re wearing for sleep) and you want a cot that doesn’t have a retractable side.

WIND DOWN ROUTINE

A wind down routine is essential before every nap and bedtime.

Before naps the wind down routine should be 5 – 15 minutes and before bedtime it should be 30 – 45 minutes.

Here are the exact steps you should follow.

Take your baby up to their bedroom for their nap

Enter the darkened room (it will be dark because you have put a black out blind on the window)
Pop the night light on (should be dimmed light - just enough to see)
Make sure your baby is comfortable - with a fresh nappy and babygro
Put your baby into their baby sleeping bag and feed them
To ensure your baby doesn’t fall asleep while feeding, simply observe the suction on the bottle or nipple and pull away gently when it lessens
Read a bedtime book (even at a young age this is important as it separates feeding from sleep)
Cuddle your baby and put them down in their cot
Say the same sleepy time words every time. For example, ‘It’s sleepy time now. I love you’.
Put the sleepy music on and leave the room, leaving your baby to process their day so far before falling asleep

Check out this blog post for more details on winding down and to find out what to do if your baby cries even when you’re following the wind down routine perfectly!

Summary

The question, why is my baby crying while breastfeeding, can feel like a complex and confusing one.

However, the answer is simple. It’s most probably down to object permanence. In fact, if your baby is four months and older it is DEFINITELY down to object permanence.

Reminder: Object permanence is when your baby knows something exists even when it is not with them.

Before the age of three months your baby’s brain had not developed this skill. This means that after the age of three months your baby will need to wake up in the same place they woke up in, in order to feel happy and not cry.

Take this as your cue to begin looking for sleep signals, taking your baby up to nap as soon as you seen two or more signs and always winding down your baby before every nap and bedtime in the perfect sleep environment.

You are SO close to getting amazing sleep every night and day.

While 12 months of consecutive hours of sleep at night will come later in life for your baby (closer to the one year mark) two - three hour naps can be with you in two weeks.

All you have to do is follow the steps in this blog and stick to it.

This is a long-term decision. You can’t change it once you have started. So, be determined, stick to this gentle sleep guide and keep going.

Click here to get a free taster of the gentle Abundant Baby Sleep Course and claim back your sleep today with 12 hours of consecutive sleep at night and 2 - 3 hours during the day.

Why is my baby crying while breastfeeding